Managing a career as an attorney is difficult, with the work itself requiring intense focus on detail, deadlines, and presentation, let alone managing your place in the organization, professional development, and more. Amid those stresses, life crises, such as family illness and loss, can suddenly turn your life upside down, changing your perspective afterward on life, surviving loved ones, and career. As a new lawyer, you need to consider how you will grapple with these issues for your well-being and that of your clients and colleagues.
In October 2021, I learned my father had been diagnosed with cancer. At the time, I was serving as an active-duty Army lawyer many hundreds of miles away, in a high-stress job supporting an active military operation. It was a nightmare scenario—a sudden family crisis at home while I was a world away and bound to a job that prevented me from being present to help my family.
It was a hard year and a half after the diagnosis. I struggled with carrying the burden of processing the progression of his illness. Doing what I could to support him and the rest of my family consumed much of my life, leaving me ill-prepared to handle what came next. His death hit hard. There was extraordinary emotional pain, and my life was upended by all the countless things post-death.
The journey I have been on since October 2021 as an Army lawyer and a civilian attorney for the US Government has taught me a lot about managing life in response to sudden tragedy. We cannot control when misfortune comes upon us. And the circumstances we will find ourselves in when tragedy happens are inherently arbitrary and unforeseen. Beyond distance and timing, there will be other things to manage at work and in our lives that we must take as we find them.
For those who find themselves in such a crisis, my experience offers some lessons and observations that may help you.
First, seek communication. Communicate with your family, friends, and those who rely upon your professional work. Your approach will differ based on the particulars of your life and family.
Second, focus on finding inner fortitude through whatever method of self-care gets you there. Being a lawyer can be quite demanding. You could presume that your coping mechanisms in your job will extend to a crisis like what I went through with my father, but you may be surprised at the logistical and emotional challenges such ordeals present. For example, you might be preparing for trial when a family member is struck with a serious illness. In my situation, notifying my supervisors promptly meant they could offer me accommodations that allowed me to continue working while handling my father’s illness.
Depending on your job’s demands, it may require notifying clients, judges, and others in your agency or firm. I had to decide who to inform of the crisis and who not to inform, as I also had to balance these notifications with my family’s privacy. It was a thoroughly unpleasant yet necessary process, and I was surprised at the emotional toll it took on me throughout. Over the next year, continuing my work with the diligence and competency expected of an attorney had an exhausting emotional weight attached to it. While you can plan for the journey ahead, no amount of preparation equips you for how hard such situations will be.
You might be tempted to quit your job to care for your loved ones in a crisis despite the damage to your ability to provide for your family. Balancing your loved one’s ailments against your own life and career presents difficult moral questions, as in my case. Similarly, you might find that your loved one wants you to put your career first, but you want the opposite. While the answer to each situation might vary, you can return to and repair your career, but time with a loved one is fleeting and precious.
Resilience is an attribute that I developed throughout my father’s illness. Although I wish I had gained it differently, I hope the lessons from my experience can help your reflections on life, career, and how to develop the resilience that we all need at some point to handle the crises that come for all of us.
