(To the tune of “Fascinating Rhythm”, by George and Ira Gershwin, as sung by Ella Fitzgerald, or Sarah Vaughn or Fred Astaire and Adelle Astaire accompanied by Cliff Edwards on the piano.)
Intro
Have trouble thinking, I’m starting to panic.
My brain is losing command.
Feel like I’m sinking, a human Titanic.
A coward praying for land.
This can’t be happ’ning, How can it? How can it?
But then, you might understand.
Why I’m not coping with it.
Afraid of opening it.
The letter held in my hand.
Verses
Mister Tax Collector
You’ve got me really scared
Mister Tax Collector
I’m in a flurry.
When I received your letter
I was unprepared
Can you do nothing better
Than cause me worry?
Bridge
Each year I file my taxes on time.
(Never late, I’m never late)
Feeling like I’ve committed some crime
I wonder,
Could I be mistaken?
To fear you so?
Will I be forsaken?
Will good luck fail me?
If I have finagled?
How will you know?
Can you be inveigled?
Or will you jail me?
I thought that self-assessment meant
I’m on my own.
Mister Tax Collector
Won’t you please leave me alone?
Reprise
Mister Tax Collector
I feel abused.
Why have I been selected
Out of the millions?
Why’d you even bother?
Now I’m confused.
I’d heard the Feds would rather
Hunt those with billions?
I thought that self-assessment meant
No third-degree.
Mister Tax Collector
Why are you picking on me?