After months or years of loneliness following the death of a spouse, you’ve found someone new, someone who you can imagine as a life partner for the years remaining on this earth. You want to share your new-found happiness with everyone, and especially with your beloved adult children. You blurt out the news to them at the earliest opportunity, and much to your annoyance, they don’t seem thrilled. “What’s the matter?” you think. Do they begrudge your happiness? Are they motivated by worry that they won’t inherit your estate? Do they find it so impossible that someone could find you to be lovable? Before jumping to conclusions and possibly creating hard feelings that can permanently strain family relationships, slow down.
Find a quiet, focused time, preferably in person, to let your adult children know of your new love. This should be done by you alone, not while accompanied by your new partner. Answer questions honestly and calmly while refraining from commentary about your emotions. (“I’ve never been happier! She understands me in a way no one else ever has!”) Don’t interpret their reactions as being their ultimate thoughts on the matter. Don’t try to elicit their congratulations if these aren’t immediately forthcoming. Introducing a new member into the family will necessarily change relationships, and it is understandable that they may have apprehensions. Here’s how not to do it (one side of a cell phone conversation overheard while waiting to disembark from a seven-night cruise): “Honey, I met the most amazing woman! She had a great idea for a business! We’re going to go into business together! You are going to love her!” Imagine the daughter’s reactions as she jockeys for a parking spot in a busy cruise port while being told that she is going to love someone her father just met!
You can expect your adult children to be cordial to your new partner, but you can’t expect them to fully embrace them in the first months or years of your new relationship. Some adult children will need to work through complex feelings of loss of a deceased parent who is seemingly being replaced. Others may need time to build the connections and mutual experiences essential for a solid relationship. As you are involved with your new partner’s family events, be aware that you are joining, as the saying goes, “a program already in progress.” Wait for cues as to what comes next in family rituals. Don’t offer advice, no matter how sage or well-intentioned. Make time to spend alone with your adult children. They may want to reminisce about their deceased parent without seeming to be disrespectful to your new partner, or they may want to share an inside joke without needing to explain the context. Collaborate with your children to create new family rituals and celebrations that will work for them and for your new partner.
You’re a lawyer, so of course, you’ve done careful end-of-life planning—right? You have a prenup, an updated will, a durable power of attorney, and an advance directive. You’ve reviewed property holdings, investment accounts, bank accounts, and safety deposit records to ensure that all are properly titled. You’re confident that your spouse will be well cared for after your death, and your remaining assets will go to your children. Careful estate planning requires more than documentation. Communication with your adult children about your wishes is crucial, particularly if you have designated them as decision-makers regarding your finances, health, or care. Such discussions are generally uncomfortable and may be resisted by your children or your partner. Failure to review your end-of-life plans with your loved ones, however, can result in serious consequences before or after your death. It may seem hard to believe that your partner and your adult children could have serious disagreements over your end-of-life care, but at those times, which Senior Lawyers Division Chair Karren Jo Pope-Onwukwe has termed “swift transitions,” emotions can run high as essential decisions must be made under pressure. You’ll want to ensure that those with decision-making authority for such issues, such as where you should receive care, respect your relationship with your late-in-life love. Otherwise, you could find yourself whisked off to a location that is far from your partner but much more convenient for the adult children whom you’ve designated as decision-makers.
No matter how good your relationship is, talking with your adult children about your own love and death is difficult. Striking a balance between oversharing and communicating important thoughts about finances and end-of-life care isn’t easy. But you must try. Having slowly laid the foundations for a positive relationship between your adult children and your new love, you can be hopeful that difficult decisions at the end of life will be made according to your wishes.
