We tend to think we will have enough time to think about and do end-of-life planning later. The reality is we do not know when we will need those plans, and in many cases, once we need them, it is too late to make them. My father was certainly in that camp. He thought he had time to get around to end-of-life planning later. Then, at the age of 60, he was surprised by the news that he had terminal brain cancer. He would die six weeks later.
My father had not made plans for his funeral – where he wanted it, who would speak, what music he wanted. He had not written a draft obituary or told us what he wanted it to include. Thankfully, my dad was able to answer some of these questions for us before he died, but there was still a lot to decide and to plan in a short period of time. And then there is the paperwork and the stuff. Assets are being renamed, benefits are being handled, bills are being paid, and closets are being emptied. Even had my father been the best of planners, there still would have been a lot of paperwork and stuff to go through after his death. It is just the way of things.
Not long after my dad died, I happened to read a novel by John Green called “The Fault in Our Stars.” One of the main characters has terminal cancer. During his funeral, another character remarks: “Funerals, I have decided, are not for the dead. They are for the living.” Those words grabbed me and have stayed with me. One source of great consolation as we grieve my father’s death is knowing we gave him a beautiful funeral. It probably meant more to us than it did to my dad. The same can be said for end-of-life planning.
End-of-life planning is for the living. It is one of the most important things we can do for ourselves and for our loved ones. End-of-life planning is a process that prepares for a time when we can no longer make decisions for ourselves and for our death. End-of-life planning is as comprehensive and multifaceted as our lives are. It includes legal documents, financial planning, funeral planning, healthcare decisions, and other emotional and practical considerations. The goal of end-of-life planning is to memorialize our wishes and remove the burden of decision-making from others.
End-of-life plans provide clarity for others about our wishes. Proper end-of-life planning allows us time and a vehicle to make our wishes known – financial decisions, medical decisions, funeral preferences, etc. Part of end-of-life planning is having conversations with those responsible for carrying out our wishes. It is important to share our desires and preferences with them and to ask if they will be able to carry out our wishes.
End-of-life planning provides relief for those we leave behind. There is no anxiety or ambiguity about whether the decisions being made are the decisions we would want them to make. Our wishes are known, and they only have to execute them.
We all handle death differently. Emotions can run high. New conflicts can emerge, and old grudges can be amplified. Having an end-of-life plan in place helps remove fuel from the emotional fire. There is no question about what treatment the loved one wants; that wish has been made known. There is no question about how they want to be buried; that wish has been made known. There is no question about who gets which family keepsake; that has already been discussed and documented. Time and energy can be spent in caring for and being with the dying loved one rather than on conflict and planning.
End-of-life planning is also for us, of course. The planning process provides us with time to come to clarity about what is important to us and how we would like to be remembered. End-of-life planning is a process involving personal and important questions. To do it well, ample time needs to be given to making and articulating decisions and wishes. It is not a process that can be rushed, and it will likely involve consultation with several professionals, including attorneys, financial advisors, and doctors. End-of-life planning is also an ongoing process. We may amend our end-of-life plan several times over the course of our lives.
Advanced planning can give us peace of mind. We know that our wishes have been memorialized, shared, and will be carried out. We know that certain loved ones or pets are provided for and that family heirlooms will have a good future home.
End-of-life planning considers all aspects of our lives and our death. Here are some areas for consideration, but each plan will depend on the specifics of one’s life.
There are legal documents to consider. One might meet with an estate attorney to make an estate plan. An estate plan can include instruments like wills, trusts, and advanced directives. It is a strategy for managing and distributing your assets while you are living and after your death. One may wish to execute a financial and healthcare directive to allow a trusted other to make financial and healthcare decisions if the person becomes incapacitated.
There are financial questions to consider. One might meet with a financial advisor or tax professional to review finances and beneficiary designations. Perhaps there are accounts and insurance policies that can have named beneficiaries. This step can also include funeral planning and burial arrangements if one wishes to prepay for these costs. If one’s family already owns burial plots, it is important that the deed work for those plots is in a known location at the time of death. It is also helpful to prepare a comprehensive list of all one’s assets and debts so that others know what items need to be managed.
There are medical decisions to consider. Two of the most common medical considerations have to do with treatment before death. One may prepare a Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) order. One may also wish to decide about life-sustaining treatment and hospice. There are also decisions to be made about organ donation and where one wants to receive medical care should the need arise.
There are personal wishes to consider. This also includes funeral planning as mentioned previously. People often make choices about their funeral ahead of time, including where it will be, who will preside, who will come, what music will be used, readings or speakers at the memorial, the kind of casket or urn desired, where one wants to be laid to rest, etc. It can also be helpful to make decisions about what the obituary will say, where it will be printed, and what picture to use. Personal wishes can also include preparing messages for loved ones to be distributed at death.
In this day of technology, it is vital to compile a list of one’s online accounts and assets with appropriate login information. Phones and tablets may be permanently locked upon death, leaving pictures and other important information inaccessible. Providing a list of accounts, usernames, and passwords can help ensure that your affairs are handled and that important and treasured information is not lost.
Finally, some people choose to begin downsizing as part of end-of-life planning. There can be a desire to remove the burden of sorting through a lifetime’s worth of accumulated possessions from one’s family and friends. Part of this process can be designating who will receive treasured keepsakes. It is an opportunity to share with others who should receive particular items and the significance of those items.
End-of-life planning is a very personal process. The plan should speak to a person’s values and goals. It is an ongoing and detailed process involving every aspect of life and death. To do it well, end-of-life planning requires time. Advanced planning can provide clarity and peace of mind to us and to our loved ones moving forward. It is a gift we give to ourselves and to those we care about.
