Eighteen years ago, I picked you up and held you in my arms. Amazing. I never thought it could happen. I never thought I would have children; I never thought I would live long enough to see them have children. And now you are grown and leaving for college. Amazing.
Your parents, with a little help from me, have done our best to protect you and prepare you for independence. Part of that is what we have taught you about how to protect yourself. But (like all grandfathers), I want to send you off with some last-minute advice. I know it will feel like I’m being over-protective, but humor me. I hope you never need them, but maybe something I write below will be useful.
The most important piece of advice I can give you, and I’ve probably said it to you a hundred times over the years, is simple: If it feels wrong, it is. Listen to your instincts—millions of years went into creating them. No, I’m not joking. Gavin de Becker wrote a whole book about this: The Gift of Fear. He’s right, too. Instincts are usually (always) the result of information you know but have not realized you know, things you have seen subliminally, information your unconscious mind is trying to tell you. You are alive only because your ancestors, all the way back to the time before time, survived. And they survived on their instincts. You must and should, too.
When you are walking around, please don’t let yourself be distracted from your surroundings; including who or what is behind you. It’s hard to do that when you are walking with your AirPods in or headsets on. For the same reason, please do not walk into or through a group; walk around them. Do you remember how I showed you how to use a rolled-up magazine as a weapon? If you see someone carrying a tightly rolled-up magazine, remember my lessons. (Does this sound too much like a slasher movie? I hope not.) Finally, never ever be afraid to drop everything and run for help. (That’s why you always keep your cell phone and wallet on your person, not in your backpack.) One of the saddest stories I ever heard is about someone who could not run fast enough because she refused to drop her backpack.
When you walk around campus, especially during twilight and after dark, here are a few other tips. When going from place to place, walk with purpose. When I say that, I mean to walk calmly, directly, and with good balance. Keep your head up, not down, looking at your phone. Don’t wear shoes that you are not comfortable in or with heels so high you teeter on them. If you wear sandals or flip-flops, be sure you can walk in them. (Personally, I hate sandals and flip-flops because I cannot run in them, but maybe you can.)
When you park your car, lock the doors. If the doors are unlocked when you return, don’t stop–walk away quickly. When driving, always look into the back of the car before you get in. It just takes a glance to see if someone is hiding there. Your car is a good place to be attacked, so look around before you turn your attention to the car. If you see a van parked close to the driver’s side of your car, do not approach it. It only takes 2 or 3 seconds to slide back the door and scoop you in. And if you are accosted at your car, never, ever get into a car with your attacker--do not let him/them take you away from the scene. It never ends well if they take you away.
Talk to your friends before you go out. Someone should have an idea of where you are going and when you expect to get back. If (God forbid) something happens and we need to find you, someone needs to know how. Tell a girlfriend, your roommate, somebody. If all else fails, leave a note on your desk. And if your plans change, let somebody know. (Thanks to modern technology, text or voice mail works well for this.) If you have somebody you trust, one possibility is to share your phone’s location. I’m not sure I like this personally, as it only shows where the phone is, not where you are. Still, it’s a start.
Some basic precautions whenever you go out are also a good idea. First, don’t drink except from closed containers you have opened yourself or that you see opened in front of you. Roofies are easy, cheap, tasteless, and dissolve quickly in alcohol. A good way to be careful is to keep track of how much and how fast you are drinking. The same is true with eating food. If it is buffet-type food, get it yourself or go with the person who is getting it for you.
I’m your grandfather, so I’m a dinosaur but try to find a way to keep your cell phone and wallet on your person at all times. (In your pocket or maybe a small cross-body bag?) You don’t want to leave quickly and be unable to call for help or get an Uber or cab. And be sure to have some cash–at least enough to get home again from the party.
If you are followed at night by a car, call “911.” If you suspect that the car following you may be a police car, be sure to ask the 911 operator to contact the car and/or send help ASAP. Then, go to a lighted area where it is safe to stop. Stay on the phone with the 911 operator and ask them to contact the police car following you to signal that it is OK. If they cannot, it probably is not the police. Remember, just because it looks like a police car at night doesn’t make it a police car. When you stop, do not roll down your window to talk, and be sure to demand their departmental ID, not badges--badges are cheap & easy to get on Amazon and many other places.
When you go out with friends to a club, party (like at a fraternity party), or just out, you and your friends should (I hope) have an agreed-upon signal to ask for help, etc. These signals should be both inconspicuous and distinctive. Recently, I saw a TV commercial showing a cry for help, which could be a thumb folded inside your fingers. That would work. Whatever signal you and your friends agree upon, however, be subtle--it’s not a good idea to alert your problem person to your plea for help.
If you are alone at a bar or club (or your friends have deserted you) and you have a problem, order an Angel Shot. Haven’t you heard of this drink? It’s not surprising that it’s only been around for about four years, but most bars and clubs know it and make sure their bartenders know it. So, what’s an Angel Shot? It’s a signal to the bartender that you need help. There are three types of Angel Shots: An Angel Shot “with lime” or “with a twist” means “call the cops” this is an emergency; an Angel Shot “on ice,” “with ice,” or “on the rocks” means call me a taxi and help me leave quietly; and finally an Angel Shot “neat” or “straight up” means you want an escort to your vehicle. All Angel Shot orders will alert the bartender that there is a problem. It’s okay, help is coming.
Finally, here’s a problem where your parents and I need your help. There is a scam out there where somebody pretends to be you and phones us, mimicking your voice. These mimics are good–sometimes, they even use AI. Their object is to make us panic and stop thinking because we are so afraid. Sometimes, the voice says you have been kidnapped, and we need to send a ransom. Sometimes, the voice says you have been arrested and need bail money. There are many other scenarios, too–too many to name. To beat this scam, we need to establish a code phrase to use on the phone so we can be sure to ensure the voice is yours and you are not being threatened. It should be something innocuous like, “I’m fine. Take care of yourself,” that you use at the end of every phone call to assure us that all is OK. But if you always end the conversation with “Take care of yourself,” and you don’t use it, THEN we will know you’re in trouble.
Finally, I know we love you, and I hope and pray that these words of wisdom will never ever be necessary. But as you know, it’s always better to be prepared. Have fun at college, and don’t forget to call once in a while.
Your loving grandfather.
