You start at a new firm, and the conservative culture is obvious from the artwork on display to the dress code. Or, you finally make partner, and you enter the partnership meeting, dumbstruck by the uniformity in the room. You attend a local women’s bar event, and you feel acutely aware of all the ways that you are different from the pack.
For those who have been discriminated against, it can be so easy to slip into thinking that any way you stick out or stand apart is a liability. I grew up as a Jewish kid in a very Waspy suburb, and I regularly felt like Bette Midler in “The Stepford Wives,” always sticking out in some uncomfortable way. All I wanted was to fit in.
The pressure to conform is ever-present. When we don’t feel a sense of belonging, our brain will nudge us to change our behavior until we conform. After all, we are social beings, evolutionarily programmed to mimic those around us and seek out ways we can fit in.
As a result, we dress in a standard issue wardrobe. We hold back. We don’t fully engage. The things we can’t change, we downplay. And by doing that, we not only hide away the most vibrant, special parts of ourselves, but tactically, as adults, it makes it tremendously harder for us to connect with others, including if we want to earn their business.
How can we own the layers of our identity and embrace our unique makeup as our superpower, especially when we’ve been “punished” for it, and in a backdrop where programs that celebrate and support diversity are under attack? We’ve got to stretch ourselves and take matters into our own hands. Our differences give us an edge; it’s up to each of our jobs to determine how to define, and how to describe, that edge.
Here are four ways to use your diverse identity to win business:
When you are meeting a prospective client, mentor, or colleague, and you are introducing diverse elements of your story, connect it to theirs. Identify areas of commonality across differences. Drop a nugget or two that acknowledges differences, while also communicating that those differences enrich your potential engagement. You want to share something unique about yourself and simultaneously make them (and you) comfortable so the difference is seen but is “no big deal.” Perhaps you grew up in a soccer-loving culture, and your family’s love of soccer has led you to travel to the city or country where your client’s home office is located. Maybe your culture has a special tea that people drink at an important meeting, or a way of celebrating the upcoming holiday season that presents you with more context and depth.
One of my clients is an accomplished cyclist. Not only do her athletic wins show excellence and grit, but, more tactically, she can invite colleagues and clients to charity races, share resources about good routes and podcasts, and so on. Each unique part of your journey is an opportunity to build community around it.
True, it’s not fair that it falls on you to make him comfortable, but, if you can move past that, and grow your skill set at sharing about yourself in a way that puts the mainstream party at ease, it helps your rise. You are expanding your people skills, you are improving the odds of winning more business, and, more personally, you will lower your blood pressure when you feel more connected to others.
When I’m trying to connect with someone across a lot of differences, I am looking for whatever we have in common, and at the same time, I’m acknowledging their uniqueness in ways that show curiosity and respect. I do not want them to feel scrutinized or to feel that I have an unspoken expectation that they will give me a cultural education, if they do not indicate a willingness to do so. Bottom line, I’m treating them the way I want to be treated: I aim to make them feel “seen” and fully welcome. When someone shares with me about their culture, I feel closer to them. Similarly, I feel closer when they show interest in mine. If our interaction is cold, sterile, and transactional (or perhaps better said: safe), we’ve both squandered the opportunity to build a genuine connection.
Does your identity mean that you have access to communities or individuals whom your client or colleagues do not have access to, or “enough” access to? Does your background help you to literally or figuratively “speak the language”? Does it give you an insight into certain markets or submarkets? Share this with them — even if it ultimately does not uncover another opportunity, it shows your confidence, your creative resourcefulness, and that you are thinking like an owner or a true partner. Let them see that you are actively mining over your unique journey, mentally exploring how you can bring all of it to help advance their goals.
At an earlier stage in a client relationship, share broad parts of your identity and your journey that show your personality and character. Your civic volunteerism shows your ability to lead, to fundraise, and/or to build consensus; your athletic achievements demonstrate perseverance and grit. Some elements are premature for their early decision-making process. It’s not that you are hiding it; it’s that you are saving it. My coaching clients aren’t interested in my studies of nonviolence, Buddhism and skillful communication when they hire me for Business Development coaching. However, when they mention a need to plan for a (potentially) challenging conversation, then this part of my journey is helpful.
Remember: you are not just simply building rapport, you are also building authority. Experiment with telling your story so that it demonstrates your expertise and/or desirable personality traits. Tell a story about a case where your unique journey gave you the know-how to approach the situation in a way that led to your client winning. Using myself as an example, I might share with a prospective client that I always felt like an outsider as a child (wrong religion), and then decades later, as a woman coming up professionally in (male-dominated) real estate development. My networking and communication skills initially had to be honed just as a matter of survival. As I started to observe how they were setting me apart and helping me thrive, I leaned in and developed them. Today, I teach my clients how to do so, too, and I speak and write, educating audiences (including you, gentle reader) about connection. You want to tell your story, both to yourself and to others, in a narrative that shows how you took your life’s lemons and made lemonade.
The more complex or unusual your identity, the more you’ve developed an ability to navigate different spaces. This may have been excruciatingly painful when you felt unwelcome in certain spaces, but that experience taught you priceless lessons as well.
You can traverse situations others find challenging; sometimes you have the option of embodying the role of cultural ambassador. Your ability to adapt and relate to others positions you as a leader who can foresee and navigate challenges from multiple vantage points. Your identity will allow you to arrive at creative solutions that others who haven’t walked in your shoes might miss.
Consider the international client who looks visibly uncomfortable with your firm’s menu selections. Your partner might miss the cues completely, or, observe them, but not know how to handle the situation. You, however, will be perfectly at ease asking if the choices are okay, and what they would prefer instead. How do you know what to do? There was a time when you appreciated someone checking in on you.
If you grew up with an identity or layers of identity that made you feel like an outsider, consider that your colleagues, bosses, and prospective clients may feel the same way — even when they are white, male, Christian, cisgender, able-bodied, etc.
Your prospective client might look like they are part of the “in crowd” to you, but remember, they might not perceive themselves that way at all. For example, consider a lawyer who feels shamed by colleagues for living on the “wrong” side of town. Or, maybe they are self-conscious about their body, their upbringing, their neurodiversity, or their education. Maybe they are struggling to break free of an addiction, or going through a divorce. Identity can be defined in endless ways — your goal is to see it, honor it, and bridge it.
Accordingly, as different as you may feel from others, consider shared “outsider status” as another path on which to connect, build trust, and perhaps win their business. As absurd as it may seem, in a world with so many forms of prejudice and bigotry, you have an opportunity to take a stand against hate by making others feel seen, validated, and welcome, just like you would like to be treated. Tacitly communicate to everyone that you see their differences, and you respect them (and if you are educated in how to do it in a way that is appropriate, celebrate them).
As your client relationships deepen, share more and more of what makes you unique. Your self-disclosure not only builds trust but also gives the other person an opening to share more of themselves, too. National Geographic's TV series Animal Friends is analogous to the quality of connection you want to aim for — differences shrink in importance when genuine connection is made.
As you advance in your career, hopefully you gain confidence and skill at embracing your full identity and sharing it with your peers. This not only makes it easier for you to operate in the world, build relationships, and win business, but it also sets an example for those who follow you.
“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.”
— Brené Brown, “The Gifts of Imperfection”
The views expressed in this article are the personal views of the author and are not official policy positions of the American Bar Association.
