Mike, a senior partner, organized a golf weekend for a group of partners but did not invite any women partners or partners of color. From his perspective, he simply invited colleagues who play golf and did not intend to exclude anyone. However, from the standpoint of firm leadership, his actions contradicted the firm’s values of inclusion and equity. How can you address this issue constructively while also strengthening your relationship with Mike?
In today’s political climate, discussions around diversity, equity, inclusion, and belonging (DEIB) have become increasingly charged, with many diversity programs being reduced or scrutinized. Nevertheless, lawyers and law firm administrators can still engage in important and useful conversations that bridge different perspectives and reinforce a culture of belonging and equal opportunity. Here are a few more examples of the kinds of issues that arise in law firms every day:
Some lawyers may be inclined to speak up about such concerns, while others may be reluctant. No one in a marginalized group should be pressured or feel obligated or to address such issues directly. If someone is already struggling in an inequitable environment, it is unfair to expect them to take on the extra burden of educating their colleagues. This article is intended for allies and for anyone who wants to have a constructive conversation regarding these issues, but may be unclear how to approach it.
The first step in any difficult conversation is to express your message clearly and in a way that the other person can really hear. This may sound simple, but it usually takes some work to articulate it and discern a way to communicate that will be appropriate and productive. I recommend asking the following questions:
Before refining your message, write down exactly what you feel — without filtering for politeness or professionalism. Be as blunt as necessary, even if it includes frustration or strong emotions. Feel free to use profanity. For example:
“You are being a narrow-minded, self-centered jerk for not inviting everyone. People feel excluded and are missing out on key networking opportunities.”
Do not say this to the person, but use this as a starting point to identify the core issues.
Some people naturally see issues from multiple perspectives, while others need some assistance. When we initiate this kind of conversation, it is our responsibility to help the other person understand why it is important.
Take the unfiltered version from above, remove anything rude or judgmental, and pare it down to the core message. Consider how the situation impacts you, the firm, or others. For example:
“When I do translation work rather than substantive work, that is bad for the client (due to the unnecessary cost), bad for the partner who manages the client (since they have to explain or write off the extra cost), and bad for me (since I am unable to spend my time on work that helps me grow professionally).”
Aim for a tone that is direct but not abrasive. Share personal experiences and feelings instead of relying solely on statistics or generalizations. In a professional environment, lawyers are often hesitant to reveal emotions. While weeping or yelling may be unhelpful, a simple statement about one’s feelings often gets the other person to pay attention and empathize in a new way. For example:
“I completely agree that all lives matter. And when I see Black men being beaten or look at statistics on deaths in police custody, it makes me feel scared. From my perspective, it seems like some people don’t think Black lives matter, which is why I believe the ‘Black Lives Matter’ movement is important — it highlights that Black lives also matter.”
Identifying a concrete request keeps the conversation focused on actionable solutions rather than abstract feelings or perceptions. Asking someone to take a specific step is often far more effective and achievable than trying to change their mindset or emotions. Even in conversations where one or both people have new insights or awareness, including action items creates momentum and increases the value and impact of the conversation.
Develop a list of possible actions the person could take to improve the situation. Consider enlisting a creative colleague to help brainstorm alternatives. If the other person declines or seems uncomfortable with your request, view it as an opportunity for further discussion and mutual understanding. Invite the other person to share their own ideas regarding actions that could help address the issue. For example:
Golf Outing Exclusion (Mike’s Situation)
“Mike, would you be willing to host another golf outing in a few months where beginners are explicitly welcomed and encouraged to attend?”
“Would you attend the upcoming firm outing and make an extra effort to connect with all the new partners?”
Unfair Translation Requests (Min’s Situation)
“Can we establish clear guidelines for ordering translations and then address that in our next team meeting?”
“Moving forward, I would appreciate it if I were not asked to do translation work, as it is outside my role.”
“All Lives Matter” Comment
“Would you be willing to have coffee with me sometime next week so that we can have an open conversation about the phrase ‘Black Lives Matter’?”
“Would you be willing to watch this short video?”
If you have a very strong relationship with the person, the following questions may be less critical to the success of your conversation. However, in most cases, considering these preparatory topics will help you determine the best approach and frame the discussion constructively. Even if you don’t articulate these elements explicitly, they will shape your mindset and influence how you engage in the conversation.
While none of the topics below specifically address managing emotions, reflecting on them can often help diffuse anger or other negative feelings. However, if you find yourself too upset to engage constructively, consider these tips for managing emotions before a difficult conversation.
People can sense respect, and there is no way to fake it. That’s why it’s important to identify at least one quality you genuinely appreciate or admire about the other person and keep it in mind as you prepare for the conversation. Whether or not you choose to mention it directly, focusing on their positive traits will help you relate to one another. Even if you find the person difficult, identify at least one positive quality. For example:
“Mike is hardworking and committed to the firm’s success.”
Genuine respect shifts your tone in subtle ways that make the conversation more productive.
Virtually anything that the other person cares about or considers important can provide a good starting point for the conversation. A lawyer’s sense of belonging — an aspect of psychological safety — affects business outcomes.
Think about how the person acts and the topics they raise in meetings and in their casual conversations. These provide clues that indicate their values. Look particularly for shared interests, such as firm growth, client satisfaction, or business development. Once you identified one of their values, orient the conversation around that topic. For example:
“We all want to make sure this firm is as successful as possible, and having a fair compensation system is important for retaining the best partners.”
Taking responsibility for even a tiny part of the situation can make the conversation far more productive. These discussions often carry a high risk of the other person feeling criticized, so offering even a minor apology can help create an atmosphere of collaboration and mutual problem-solving rather than one of blame and defensiveness.
Think about if there is anything you could have said or done to create clearer expectations or policies. If you had addressed the issue earlier, could it have prevented the situation from escalating? For example:
“I’m sorry for not raising this concern earlier, since that may have prevented some of the stress about this.”
If you want people to understand your perspective, a great starting point is to first understand theirs. Take time to think through your questions in advance so that you can ask them at the right moment in the conversation. What do you want to learn or understand from the conversation? Use open-ended questions. Avoid leading questions. For example:
“What factors do you think are leading to women partners having lower compensation than male partners?”
Addressing DEIB-related issues in the workplace is not always easy, but these conversations are essential for building a more inclusive and equitable environment. Thinking through the key elements outlined above will help you craft your message and approach discussions with curiosity and respect. By taking the foundational step of thoroughly preparing for difficult conversations, your discussions can lead to better policies, more inclusive practices, and a stronger, more cohesive firm culture.
The views expressed in this article are the personal views of the author and are not official policy positions of the American Bar Association.
