The very first wedding I officiated was at a park on the western shore of Lake Michigan. Everything was going fine until at the end the bride’s father yelled out, “Go get a motel room!”
Then there was a young groom who walked into the courtroom wearing a baseball hat facing backward. His mother, a no-nonsense Navy chief, was not favorably impressed.
“You take that thing off!,” she commanded followed by an visual and audible whack that sent the hat flying across the courtroom.
“Let me ask you something,” I said to the young man. “Have you ever been in trouble?”
“No,” he replied. Looking toward his mother I said, “I think I know why.”
For some reason I’m often the “judge of last resort” for couples getting married on short notice, usually military personnel (I’m about a half hour away from a naval base) shipping out. For those weddings I try to find a military related theme other than getting a new drill sergeant.
For example, “anchor’s aweigh” has a technical nautical meaning of the anchor being freed so that the ship can sail. I also mention an old saying that “the Army takes care of its own” and, of course, the Marines’ semper fidelus – always faithful.
Improv is a helpful skill for a wedding officiant. Like the time when someone tripped over a power cord at an outdoor wedding just as the bride was arriving in a horse drawn carriage. The music stopped but I invited the audience to summon their best karaoke skills to take up the slack.
Another time at an elegant candlelight ceremony in an old chapel the ceremony was interrupted because the rings were lost. The orchestra didn’t pick up the cue that maybe they should do something so I did about ten minutes of standup about things that go wrong at weddings while the wedding party searched the building (successfully) for the missing rings.
A couple booked a Saturday night lakefront wedding. I showed up but nobody else did and I couldn’t reach the bride or groom by phone. The following Monday I found out that the groom was arrested for armed robbery. That failure to let me know the wedding was off was easily forgivable.
There is no charge for weddings performed in the courtroom (my state’s ethics rules) but couples can book an offsite wedding. I often meet with them before the ceremony to get their input and answer any questions.
One of those couples showed up with a precocious and patient five-year-old son. To make him feel as if I was recognizing his importance in the process I asked him if he had any questions. He replied, “Aren’t you supposed to get married before you have kids?”
I let his mother answer that one.
Often some of the nicest ceremonies are the result of “sweat equity” by families who pitch in and cook for days. One such event was for a lovely couple who were first generation college graduates. The fathers put up tents and white chairs and one acted as the photographer.
I mentioned during the ceremony that I learned the groom proposed to his bride after taking her to see Phantom of the Opera.
“Usually I try to find some ‘words of wisdom’ about how to have a successful marriage,” I said.
“But I don’t have to here because this young man obviously understands the value of wife insurance.”