The holiday season, with its gatherings of family, friends, and colleagues, offered us moments to connect, share, and celebrate. Yet, it might also have brought about its fair share of challenges—especially when conversations veered into touchy topics such as politics, religion, or personal life choices. Over the holidays, you may have experienced both the best of conversations and the worst of conversations. And indeed, many might regard these to be the best of times and the worst of times.
A New Year, a New Conversation
The year 2025 offers all of us the opportunity to become more attentive to the quality of our conversations and the ways we interact and connect with others. This month we take a deeper look at some of the ways we can engage in more mindful communication.
The Best of Conversations: Connection Through Presence
When we bring mindful attention to a conversation, we cultivate an environment where connection is possible, even in the face of disagreement. The best conversations often arise not from perfect agreement but from mutual respect and understanding. By remembering the gift of being together and of our intentions to get along and be supportive even when we disagree, we can create moments of genuine connection that transcend differences.
For example, imagine a family dinner where a relative expresses a controversial opinion. Instead of bracing for conflict, you choose to approach the situation with curiosity and composure. Even if you don’t see eye to eye, the conversation may leave both of you feeling heard and respected—a rare and valuable gift.
The Worst of Conversations: Reactivity and Disconnection
Conversely, when we lose sight of these principles, conversations can spiral into the “worst of times.” Reactivity, defensiveness, and judgment often lead to disconnection and hurt feelings. Imagine the same family dinner, but this time, you react defensively to the relative’s comment. Voices rise, tempers flare, and the conversation ends in an awkward silence or someone exiting the room. This kind of exchange leaves everyone feeling drained, further entrenched in their positions, and deeply frustrated.
Navigating these moments skillfully can feel like walking a tightrope, and the practice of mindfulness can be a useful assist. In this column, we’ll consider how the same principles we can use to train our attention and regulate our emotions can be applied to our interactions with others.
This tale of two breaths—the breath we manipulate to relax and the breath we observe to elevate awareness—when applied to our interactions with others offers a simple but profound way to approach challenging dialogues and experience moments of connection.
The Breath as Object for Mindfulness Practice
The breath is a cornerstone of many mindfulness practices because it is always present and always accessible. Focusing attention on the breath establishes it as an anchor to our present-moment experience. There are two primary reasons this can be helpful. The first is that attention can only be in one place at a time. If you are intentionally focusing on the breath, you are less likely to be lost in thought—regretting the past, anxiously worrying about the future, or harshly judging yourself or others. The second is that you are better positioned to detect mind wandering, and because detecting mind wandering calls for awareness, each time you notice mind wandering is a win—a moment of waking up out of distracted thinking and curtailing unhelpful mental time travel.
The Breath as Object for Relaxation Technique
When emotions run high, the breath is also a powerful tool for self-regulation. Slowing the breath signals the parasympathetic nervous system, prompting a relaxation response. In moments of tension, manipulating the rate of breathing by, for example, taking a few deep breaths can mean the difference between reacting impulsively and responding thoughtfully.
While we can tease apart the different effects of observing versus manipulating the breath, they tend to support each other. Purposely slowing down the breath tends to augment its observation, and focusing on the breath tends to slow it down. Through either approach, we experience greater calm and a sense of agency over our words and actions.