chevron-down Created with Sketch Beta.

GPSolo eReport

GPSolo eReport January 2025

Mindfulness 101: Mindful Communication and a Tale of Two Breaths

Scott L Rogers

Summary

  • When we bring mindful attention to a conversation, we cultivate an environment where connection is possible, even in the face of disagreement.
  • Just as we can observe the breath as part of a mindfulness practice to see things more clearly and feel more at ease, we can bring that same witnessing capacity into the heat of a difficult conversation.
  • Whether it’s the best of conversations or the worst of conversations, remember that you always have the power to pause, breathe, choose your words with care, and take good care of yourself.
Mindfulness 101: Mindful Communication and a Tale of Two Breaths
Richard Drury via Getty Images

Jump to:

The holiday season, with its gatherings of family, friends, and colleagues, offered us moments to connect, share, and celebrate. Yet, it might also have brought about its fair share of challenges—especially when conversations veered into touchy topics such as politics, religion, or personal life choices. Over the holidays, you may have experienced both the best of conversations and the worst of conversations. And indeed, many might regard these to be the best of times and the worst of times.

A New Year, a New Conversation

The year 2025 offers all of us the opportunity to become more attentive to the quality of our conversations and the ways we interact and connect with others. This month we take a deeper look at some of the ways we can engage in more mindful communication.

The Best of Conversations: Connection Through Presence

When we bring mindful attention to a conversation, we cultivate an environment where connection is possible, even in the face of disagreement. The best conversations often arise not from perfect agreement but from mutual respect and understanding. By remembering the gift of being together and of our intentions to get along and be supportive even when we disagree, we can create moments of genuine connection that transcend differences.

For example, imagine a family dinner where a relative expresses a controversial opinion. Instead of bracing for conflict, you choose to approach the situation with curiosity and composure. Even if you don’t see eye to eye, the conversation may leave both of you feeling heard and respected—a rare and valuable gift.

The Worst of Conversations: Reactivity and Disconnection

Conversely, when we lose sight of these principles, conversations can spiral into the “worst of times.” Reactivity, defensiveness, and judgment often lead to disconnection and hurt feelings. Imagine the same family dinner, but this time, you react defensively to the relative’s comment. Voices rise, tempers flare, and the conversation ends in an awkward silence or someone exiting the room. This kind of exchange leaves everyone feeling drained, further entrenched in their positions, and deeply frustrated.

Navigating these moments skillfully can feel like walking a tightrope, and the practice of mindfulness can be a useful assist. In this column, we’ll consider how the same principles we can use to train our attention and regulate our emotions can be applied to our interactions with others.

This tale of two breaths—the breath we manipulate to relax and the breath we observe to elevate awareness—when applied to our interactions with others offers a simple but profound way to approach challenging dialogues and experience moments of connection.

The Breath as Object for Mindfulness Practice

The breath is a cornerstone of many mindfulness practices because it is always present and always accessible. Focusing attention on the breath establishes it as an anchor to our present-moment experience. There are two primary reasons this can be helpful. The first is that attention can only be in one place at a time. If you are intentionally focusing on the breath, you are less likely to be lost in thought—regretting the past, anxiously worrying about the future, or harshly judging yourself or others. The second is that you are better positioned to detect mind wandering, and because detecting mind wandering calls for awareness, each time you notice mind wandering is a win—a moment of waking up out of distracted thinking and curtailing unhelpful mental time travel.

The Breath as Object for Relaxation Technique

When emotions run high, the breath is also a powerful tool for self-regulation. Slowing the breath signals the parasympathetic nervous system, prompting a relaxation response. In moments of tension, manipulating the rate of breathing by, for example, taking a few deep breaths can mean the difference between reacting impulsively and responding thoughtfully.

While we can tease apart the different effects of observing versus manipulating the breath, they tend to support each other. Purposely slowing down the breath tends to augment its observation, and focusing on the breath tends to slow it down. Through either approach, we experience greater calm and a sense of agency over our words and actions.

Observing the Conversation

Just as we can observe the breath as part of a mindfulness practice to see things more clearly and feel more at ease, we can bring that same witnessing capacity into the heat of a difficult conversation. Doing so, we become better skilled at noticing our own impulse to interrupt, defend, or retreat, which creates space for a more thoughtful and constructive exchange.

So, too, as we shine the light of observation on the other person, their words, tone, and underlying emotions become the object of our focus as opposed to a source of irritation. Purposely attending in this way, we are more likely to suspend judgment and resist the urge to formulate our response while they are speaking. We’re a little more fully present for the other person, much as we are for the breath.

The following tips may be helpful as you enter a potentially charged conversation.

  1. Set an intention. Decide in advance how you want to show up in conversations. For example, your intention might be to listen more than you speak or to approach disagreements with kindness.
  2. Pause before responding. When someone says something that triggers you, pause before reacting. This “present-moment pivot“ allows you to better process what was said and choose a response rather than reacting impulsively. It also allows you to better gauge your tone, which can set the emotional temperature of the conversation.
  3. Reflect and validate. Reflect back what the other person is saying so they know they are being heard. For example, “It sounds like you’re really frustrated/angry/saddened about this.” Reflection imparts a sense of validation but doesn’t mean you agree; it means you recognize the reality of their experience.
  4. Ask open-ended questions. Instead of jumping in with counterarguments, which we lawyers do so well, ask questions that encourage the other person to share more about their perspective. This demonstrates curiosity, slows the rhythm of the conversation, and can generate points of shared agreement.

Manipulating the Conversation

Whereas manipulating the breath can be a constructive means to feel less stressed, efforts to manipulate a conversation or another’s beliefs tend not to be so constructive and often backfire as a means of feeling less stressed. Still, it is common to try to persuade another person of our position or to vehemently disagree or emotionally coerce another into agreement. In the courtroom, this may be useful at times. At home or as a guest in another’s home, it can lead to frustration, anger, resentment, and regret.

When you find yourself in a tug-of-war over positions, shift from trying to manipulate the other person to manipulating your breath. Taking a few slower, deeper breaths (especially when practiced regularly) will lower your emotional temperature, allowing you to shift into a more observational stance. There are many breath-manipulation techniques, and the simple act of taking a few slower breaths is a good place to start, offering a big return on investment of time.

Consider these additional strategies for bringing purposeful breathing into your conversations:

  1. Recognize your triggers. Be aware of topics or comments that tend to provoke you. Anticipating these triggers can help you respond more skillfully. By achieving a more relaxed state early in the conversation, you avail yourself of more options. It’s okay to choose not to participate in a conversation or to politely excuse yourself. You can even make clear that you wish to have a good time together and are not sure you are up to that conversation.
  2. Practice gratitude. Shifting out of an agitated state opens a window to our own tender emotions. Remind yourself that you are together and that, as the years pass, such moments are not to be taken for granted.
  3. Recover gracefully. If a conversation goes awry, take responsibility for your part and apologize if needed. Moving from a highly charged emotional state to a more tempered one can remind us of how conditional emotions are and how quickly they can get the best of us. Humility can go a long way in repairing relationships.

The Power of Two Breaths

The new year is a time of both celebration and challenge, a time when we are called to bring our best selves to our interactions with others. By drawing on the potency of the breath, we can transform even the most difficult conversations into opportunities for connection and growth.

Whether it’s the best of conversations or the worst of conversations, remember that you always have the power to pause, breathe, choose your words with care, and take good care of yourself. In doing so, you not only navigate challenging dialogues with grace and skill, but also foster understanding and connection.

If you are interested in a few more tips on ways of meaningfully approaching and responding to others amid challenging conversations, you might enjoy the Fireside Chat with Dan Harris and Miami Law Dean Patricia Abril that took place at the University of Miami School of Law on November 4, 2024. Click here to watch their conversation or here to read a summary in the Florida Bar News.

Wishing you and yours all the best for the new year.

    Author