Do you remember the first time you had to use the Bluebook to correctly cite an article for your legal analysis research and writing course? If so, then you’ve probably shared the common experience of thinking you had the correct cite and format within two minutes, only to learn you missed a period, a space, small caps, or some other inanely detailed intricacy. This was just the start of your legal perfection taking shape. Throughout law school, it was drilled into you that you better be right and that mistakes are not tolerated. Whole case outcomes can hinge on paying attention to the details and getting them right. If the devil is in the details, well, now, so are the best lawyers.
Society needs attorneys to be right. People pay us good money to not make mistakes. They don’t know how to solve their own problems, and seemingly miraculously, they believe that lawyers have the answers to their personal woes. The more intense or serious the problem, the more importance is associated with the solution. Taking on the burden of our client’s issues, we expend ceaseless effort to ensure every detail is ironed out—that the advice is accurate, the cites are checked, and the law is applied and argued correctly.
Attorneys specialize in being fastidious, particular, detail-oriented, analytical, and, perhaps most of all, type-A personalities. We certainly don’t want to fail, and taken to the extreme, we do not even want to show a crack in the armor or make a simple mistake. It is a matter of personal pride that we seek to be right—all the time. A comma can change the application of a contract, and a few words left out can mean a criminal charge won’t stick. We go to great lengths to excel at our jobs for at least two reasons: (1) we are oriented that way, and (2) we have no desire to be removed from our pedestal of perfection. We like the attention, and we love being right.
What does not help dispel this perception is that most of the time we are right, which only exaggerates our need to never be wrong. Attorneys will work destructively long hours drilling through minutia just so we can have the answer and provide the advice seemingly off-the-cuff to solve the client’s headache. Yet, being “right” can get exhausting and usually is relationship killing. Do you want to be right or be happy?
In my (Nicole Bessette’s) first assignment as a military attorney, my supervisor said I made his life 99.9 percent easier with my attention to detail and careful analysis. I beamed with pride on hearing this, especially as a new lawyer, and resolved to continue performing accordingly. While this mindset and singular focus on my work has afforded me favorable performance evaluations and other recognition over the years, I find myself reflecting with sadness on the social invitations I declined and the friendships I missed out on in my quest to be “the best.” Over time, this armor of perfection has begun to feel heavier, and maintaining it has taken a more exacting toll. To produce the sound legal review and recommendation the colonel or the general expects, I find myself spending hours, even at night, poring over every sentence to ensure I haven’t missed anything. My striving for perfection not only prevents relational development but also strains my ability to provide legal advice within the time period relevant to the client. If I solve one issue perfectly each week, I likely have not completed the other seven issues that could have benefited from an 80 percent solution.
Bolstering the image of perfection will feel good in the short term, but it will contaminate your ability to connect with people, ultimately exacerbating loneliness. Shawn Healy, a licensed clinical psychologist, wrote in his article “Lawyer Loneliness: You’re Not Alone in Feeling Alone” that “[p]rojecting an invulnerable veneer (portraying to clients and colleagues that you have it all worked out and you possess no weaknesses) may seem like a useful strategy to win clients and impress others, but it is a very harmful tactic when it comes to your mental and emotional well-being.” This is the quandary in which we find ourselves: We don’t want to be lonely, and we don’t want to expose a chink in our armor of perfection. Yet, it is this misrepresentation of our true selves that drives a wedge between ourselves and others. To develop deeper relational connections, we must seek to let others know us, including our vulnerabilities.
Always striving to be the first, the best, and number one is how we rose to our present level of success. However, Tom Sharbaugh expounds in his article “Being #1 Isn’t Always a Good Thing—Loneliness among Lawyers” that being number one at loneliness not only exposes attorneys to numerous health risks but also serves as a contributing factor to early mortality. The much-heard joke that lawyers’ personalities are the most effective form of birth control sadly rings true when you look at how difficult it is for the average attorney to develop personal relationships. We set up these relational boundaries trying to stay perfect; however, this distance from people is what perpetuates our loneliness. Dr. Vivek H. Murthy highlights in his book Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World that the subjective feeling of loneliness results from lacking needed social connection fostered by “trust . . . and the affection of genuine friends, loved ones, and community.”
So, what do we do about this? While interpersonal connections may vanquish the specter of loneliness, they take time and effort to develop. Being great at our jobs demands the same, making these two objectives seemingly at odds with one another. Yet, nothing will change if you don’t carve out time to relate to, connect with, and build relationships with others. There are a host of resources providing guidance on how to get involved with your local community, but the first thing you need to do is to make this a priority and recognize that these connections will not develop overnight. We naturally know this but then routinely fail to fashion our schedules to provide the space necessary for us to build those relationships. Instead of distancing ourselves from others, we should appropriately take steps away from the constant work. Let’s endeavor to use boundaries for our benefit. Set boundaries for a time of day that you’ll stop working or, if you are truly bold, a day each week that you will not work.
What will you do with all this “free time”? If you set aside time not to work, then you are going to end up with free time. If you, like many of us, have worked so much that you’ve forgotten about your hobbies, it is going to be strange at first to remember what you enjoyed doing when you weren’t working. Embrace the challenge. Using this time to rekindle hobbies and grow friendships will be a great impetus for reinforcing sound mental health and life balance.
You think learning the rule against perpetuities was difficult in 1L year? Stop having to be right at everything. Dig in, do the hard work, connect, and build relationships that will pay dividends and support you through life.
The views expressed are those of the authors and do not reflect the official guidance or position of the Department of Defense or the United States (U.S.) Government.
