Grandparents, Parenting Plans, and Grandparenting Agreements: The Ongoing Dilemma

A parenting plan is a document that outlines how you and the other parent will raise your children after you are divorced or separated. It defines how you and the other parent will make major decisions for your children (decision-making or custody) and how the children will spend time with each of you (visitation or parenting time). It will be reviewed by a judge, and, if approved, it will become an order of the court.

You will have an opportunity, particularly at the beginning of your divorce, to actually design a plan for your post-divorce family. In a way, you will be partners with the other parent in the business of raising healthy and productive children. You will consider the best interests of the children and give paramount consideration to their physical, developmental, mental, and emotional needs. You will also consider your own needs and the needs of the other parent. But, will you include provisions about your children’s grandparents?

Historically, parenting plans have rarely included provisions about grandparents. However, times have changed, and it may be appropriate to reconsider this issue.

Contemporary Grandparents

Why would you consider including your children’s grandparents as part of your divorce discussion? They are not parties to your divorce, and they are not generally included in negotiations regarding your parenting plan. It’s because, today, grandparenting has become more significant, more complex, and more immediate than it was in the past. There are a number of reasons for this.

First, there is no such thing today as a “stereotypical” grandparent. Grandparents come from a variety of origins. We have biological grandparents, stepgrandparents, surrogate grandparents, adopted grandparents, and loving people who take kids into their lives and embrace them as “adopted” grandchildren. So, how does a divorcing couple accommodate all of the “grands” in their children’s lives? It’s complicated!

Second, grandparents today are often more involved with their grandchildren and more influential than they have ever been. This is due, in part, to the fact that they are living longer, having productive lives, and communicating more easily and inexpensively with their grandchildren due to virtual options. It’s much easier to bond with grandchildren, and, when that relationship is positive, it hopefully will not be severed by a divorce.

Third, children need grandparents more than ever before to provide steady and reliable guidance and protection. Society is tough on kids. They need all the help they can get, in particular from stable adults who can shield them from adverse childhood experiences and the irreparable harm that can be inflicted by negative current events and social media. They need grandparents to help them achieve resilience and independence. They need grandparents who can step in as teachers, child care providers, financial contributors, confidants, mediators, family historians, and a voice for peace. And, while these things have always been significant, they are more important than ever because society presents greater challenges.

And fourth, there are simply more grandparents in the United States than ever before, and that number is growing. Today, more than 7.5 million children in the United States live with at least one grandparent, and more than 2.5 million grandparents are the primary caregiver for a grandchild (Public Law 115-196). According to AARP, grandparents constitute 1/3 of the adult population in the United States. Grandparents have a tremendous presence and, therefore, power—power to help their grandchildren become responsible adults. But what if you have issues with the grandparents in your children’s lives?

Grandparents may bring negative influences into the family, or there may be a conflict with one or both parents. There are many reasons that you might want to limit the time that the grandparents spend with your children. And, actually, barring any difficult circumstances, that is your right. In fact, you have the power in many circumstances to define the relationship.

In 2000, the United States Supreme Court ruled on this very issue in Troxel v. Granville, Id. This case established a “fit parent’s minimum protection against state intrusion in his or her parenting decisions.” 530 U.S. at 69–70. In Troxel, a widowed mother challenged an order granting visitation rights to the child’s paternal grandparents over her objections. The Supreme Court reiterated the well-settled conclusion that, absent special factors that would justify interference, fit parents have a fundamental right to make decisions concerning the care, custody, and control of their children.

If this is an issue for you or the other parent, you will want to discuss it with your lawyer during your negotiations. You may want to limit identified persons from contact with your children and include that in your parenting plan.

The Grandparent Dilemma

And that leads us to the grandparent dilemma. Each family is different, and a grandparent’s time with grandchildren varies from family to family. A grandparent might provide full or part-time child care or might see the grandchildren only occasionally but take them on excursions or trips. Some grandparents visit grandkids only at one parent’s home and never have contact with the other parent. Many children actually live with their grandparents. Some children have limited or no access to their grandparents. However, in any of these different situations, what would happen if the grandchild was involved in an emergency situation and the grandparent was unable to contact a parent? Would the grandparent have the authority to make a split-second decision? Are there other situations in which the grandparent should be authorized to act on behalf of a parent? Are we providing adequate insurance or protection for grandparents who provide care for their grandchildren? This is the dilemma.

For example, when a grandparent is with your children:

• Emergency medical decisions. Does that grandparent have the authority to speak to the children’s doctor or medical provider in an emergency situation if he/she is unable to contact you or the other parent? Does the grandparent have the authority to make emergency medical decisions if he/she is unable to reach you. Because you don’t want to have medical services withheld due to lack of authority, do you want to consider giving the grandparent a limited power of attorney for such instances? This would be separate and apart from your parenting plan.
• Education decisions. Will the children’s school officials be authorized to speak to the grandparents regarding emergencies and difficulties at school if you or the other parent is not available? Would the grandparent be authorized to make emergency decisions if the school or the grandparent were not able to reach you? Would you include the name of the grandparent on your emergency contact information?
• Extracurricular activities. Will the grandparents have the authority to take the children to their extracurricular activities, and will they be responsible for supervising them at the activities?
• Car insurance. Do the grandparents have the authority to drive the children to events in your car, and is there adequate car insurance coverage for them?
• Medical insurance. Will you and the other parent provide medical insurance coverage for the grandparent while he/she is in your home and caring for your children?
• Communication. How should the grandparent notify you and the other parent of problems (or successes) a child might be having? How should the grandparent communicate with you and the other parent?
• Household rules. Does the grandparent have the authority to enforce household rules, and, if so, how should that be done and how should problems be reported to you and the other parent?
• Safety provisions. If you fear for the safety of your children and you want to limit a grandparent’s access to them, you will include such a provision in your parenting plan and will name the grandparent. If your situation is extreme, you may want to get a restraining order.
• Scheduling. When do the grandparents (on both sides) get to spend time with your children? How will you make those arrangements?
• Termination or modification. How do you decide if there is a problem with the grandparent’s care, and how do you decide when the care is no longer needed?

You will want to think about the importance of these provisions and how you will include them in your divorce planning. They are worth considering if a grandparent is going to spend time with your children or not spend time with your children. It can be very important to identify boundaries—for grandparents and for parents.

Grandparent Agreements

As an alternative to including grandparenting provisions in your parenting plan, you might consider drafting a grandparent agreement. This would be a more informal agreement between you and the other parent that reflects your general intent for the way in which you and the other parent will include your children’s grandparents in their lives and the way in which grandparents will conduct themselves in the lives of the family members. Unless it is incorporated and becomes part of your parenting plan, it will not generally be enforceable by a court. It may, however, be an indication of your mutual intent, your goals, and your values, which could be important if the issue was ever raised in court. You and the other parent might include the following provisions, if appropriate and unless otherwise specified:

• You will support the relationship of your children and their grandparents.
• The children will have reasonable access to their grandparents.
• The grandparents will be welcome at the children’s school activities and sports events.
• You will treat the grandparents with respect and teach your children the same.
• You will authorize the grandparents to obtain emergency medical care for the children if they are unable to contact you.
• You will agree on a method of communication such that the grandparents may share information with each parent.

However, that is not the end of your grandparent agreement. Just as parents need guidelines, so too do grandparents. You may want to discuss and include some of the following provisions in which it is agreed that grandparents will:

• Embrace the entire family, and, in particular, show respect for all family members.
• Be available but respectful of the boundaries and tensions within the family.
• Work to understand the parent’s ideas, activities, and values.
• Maintain (if possible) a good relationship with both parents.
• Be respectful of the family rules and values even when they differ from the grandparent’s own views.
• Find a path that forges an ongoing connection with their grandkids.
• Understand that, at the end of the day, it is the parents who will determine what is in the children’s best interests.

Discuss the situation with the grandparents. Remember, as parents, except for unusual circumstances, you can define the boundaries. So, speak, if possible, with love and tact. Welcome their ideas. Remember, grandparents are often powerful influencers, and it’s best to work as a team.

Defining grandparent relationships on top of your divorcing relationship is a challenge. However, it can be significant for your children because grandparents have an opportunity to make a profound impact on them. Good grandparenting is more important today than ever before because children face greater challenges. So, it is worth the effort to try and make it work.

In a divorce, children lose their family, as they knew it. In many cases, they lose the family home, school, and friends. It is an enormous adjustment. To the extent that parents can minimize the losses, it is so much the better. And that is the case when it comes to grandparenting. Unless there are exigent circumstances, children should not have to lose their grandparents in their parent’s divorce.