Creating and Maintaining a Healthy Shared Parenting Arrangement

The negotiations or trial is over, and you have a shared parenting arrangement to work with. Perhaps this was what you had hoped for, or it may be that you have reluctantly agreed, or even had it ordered over your objections. No matter how you have gotten to this point, you and your children need to adapt and thrive under this new arrangement. If you preferred the shared arrangement, then you are motivated to make sure that it successfully meets the needs of your children. On the other hand, if you did not initially feel this parenting schedule was best, you still have to do whatever you can to ensure that your children grow and thrive now and in the future, both personally and in their relationships with you and their other parent.

It is well documented that during the process of a separation, and even well into the divorce, all members of the family experience considerable stress and emotional turmoil. That is particularly true for the partner who did not want the divorce. The children, regardless of their ages, are going to have to negotiate the changing nature of their family structure while trying to achieve their developmental goals. Even the partner who no longer wanted the relationship must deal with the many competing feelings they have over their decision and the consequence of that decision.

The Importance of Parent Self-Care

You must remember that you form the foundation upon which your children find safety and security when the stresses of the moment are overwhelming. Because you are the most important source of balance for them, it is imperative that you are as emotionally and physically healthy as you can be. Therefore, you need to do whatever is necessary to create stability for yourself so that you don’t become another source of stress for them. Viewed from a more positive perspective, by becoming healthier, you will be able to provide them with the support they need to adjust, adapt, and grow within their new family reality.

If you are not emotionally stable, your children will suffer because the quality of your parenting will be reduced in many ways. Stress can interfere with your ability to listen to your children and understand their needs. When you are emotionally impaired, you cannot be emotionally available to your children. In fact, your children may begin to feel that it is their job to provide you with the emotional comfort that they need. That type of role reversal is not healthy for your children. On the other hand, children adjust far better when they have at least one emotionally stable, healthy parent. Therefore, you need to do whatever you have to do to be that parent.

What steps should you take to gain your state of equilibrium? Here are some suggestions that you can try:

• Arrange an appointment with your personal physician to make sure that you are physically healthy and to discuss how you are feeling. Share with them any physical problems you may be experiencing so they can make suggestions to help. For example, perhaps you are having trouble sleeping, or you have developed stomach problems secondary to the stress. You and your doctor can discuss temporary interventions that help you decrease fatigue or calm an over-burdened gastrointestinal tract.
• Find activities that give you some enjoyment, or at least that feel familiar and comforting to you. If you have been exercising to relax or burn off excess stress, push yourself to continue. Hiking, walking, or playing a sport will help you feel healthier.
• Learn a specific relaxation skill to which you can turn when the stress is rising. Consider taking a yoga class and/or learning meditation techniques or simple breathing exercises that create a state of relaxation for your body.
• Find or develop a support group of friends and family who can be available to you when you need them. If it seems appropriate, look for a community support group at your church, synagogue, or other institution.
• If you are having trouble stabilizing your emotions, seek a therapist to help guide you through the turbulence you are experiencing. The bottom line is that you do not have to go through this alone.

Establishing and Maintaining Healthy Boundaries with Your Co-Parent

At the time of separation and divorce, you and your ex-partner are redefining the nature of your relationship going forward. The roles you played for one another within the relationship need to be adjusted to fit the nature of your changed relationship. That means you will be changing the boundaries and rules that surrounded the old relationship and developing new rules around contact and interaction. This reconstruction of the relationship with your ex is essential but may take time to complete.

Tips regarding boundaries with the other parent around the parenting plan include:

• Not interfering with the other parent’s parenting time without approval. Set rules for telephone calls and other forms of communication with the children. Also, do not plan activities during the other parent’s time without first discussing with the parent.
• Allow the other parent to determine their style of parenting without interference. It is healthier for your children if you support the other parent’s authority and respect that right rather than try to micromanage their time.
• Model respect for the privacy of the other parent’s property.

During the separation and divorce, although the boundaries of your relationship with your partner are changing, the most basic aspect of your relationship with your children should remain the same. You remain the parent, and they remain the children. It is your job to provide comfort and reassurance as they try to adjust to their changing environment. It is not their job to provide comfort and reassurance to you. Of course, that will occur on occasion, but you must not “parentify” your child or make him or her your new partner. As tempting as that may be at times, it is essential to their health that they remain the child within the new dynamic. Find new adults from whom you can get your emotional needs met. For your children to develop in a healthy manner, you need to remain the adult advisor, counselor, disciplinarian, and security guard. You are the only adult in the room.

Avoiding Parent Alienating Behaviors

What are parent alienating behaviors (PABs)? A PAB is any behavior or action by a parent that has the potential to undermine or harm the relationship of a child with their other parent. For example, when a father says to their son after he is upset with something his mother said, “You know what an ass your mother is,” he is using a PAB. Similarly, if a mother sends a sandwich with the children to dad’s visit and says, “He probably won’t feed you,” she is demonstrating a PAB.

During the course of the emotional rollercoaster ride that accompanies the process of separation and divorce, virtually every parent inadvertently says something or does something that could fit under the definition of a PAB. While it is possible that a single or several PABs could undermine the relationship between a parent and a vulnerable child, serious damage is done when a parent uses an ongoing pattern of PABs to intentionally, or unconsciously, undermine the relationship of a child with an adequate parent. As a result of that course of conduct, a child is more likely than not to begin to feel some degree of negativity towards the parent who is the target of the PABs, and she may begin to become increasingly distant and reluctant to visit that parent. In fact, the child could get to the point where they refuse contact with the “target” parent.

When the parental behavior has that kind of effect on the child, the behavior is always inappropriate and creates an unhealthy state for the child. The only exception would be if the child had some realistic reason to reject a parent, for example, because the parent has been abusive, has serious mental health problems, has some type of substance abuse disorder, or is an exceptionally harsh disciplinarian. However, when a child rejects a “good enough” parent secondary to a patterned use of PAB’s, the dynamic created is toxic.

What follows is a list of PABs that can confuse and/or undermine a child’s relationship with a parent.

The Power to Make Your Parenting Plan Work

You have the power and responsibility to make your new parenting plan work for you and your children. It starts with you taking care of yourself so that you can be the best you can be for your children. With a healthy body and mind, you can begin to set the boundaries of your relationships with your ex and with the children. Finally, you can make yourself aware of the behaviors to avoid so as not to make it far more difficult for your children to adjust and create healthy relationships with both parents. You can practice healthy parenting by using behaviors that enhance your children’s experience with both you and your ex and provide a positive role model for their interactions in the future.

“Don'ts” (Negative BehaviorsEvery Parent and Co-ParentShould Avoid)

• Demean and disparage the other parent to the child, in front of the child, or within earshot of the child.
• Eliminate any reference to the parent inside the home. Not permitting the child to speak about their parent is one example. Another example is removing all pictures of the other parent from the home, or cutting out the face of the other parent from existing pictures.
• Use the child as a messenger for painful messages, or for messages that are not related to the parent-child relationship. For example, telling the child to ask the other parent for the past due support check.
• Ask the child to surreptitiously remove some personal item from the other parent’s home.
• Tell the children that when speaking to the other parent not to share information about special activities or events they have experienced. Telling them they cannot speak about their home when with the other parent.
• Argue with the other parent at the time of transitions, or other times when you are together with the children.
• Share court documents or other legal documents with the children.
• Share your negative perspective of the other parent or tell your child how you really feel about the other parent.
• Refer to your new partner as “Mom” or “Dad” and expect your children to do the same.
• Ask children to share what they saw or heard, thus using them as spies.

“Dos” for Every Parent andCo-Parent (Prosocial Behaviorsand Positive Co-Parenting)

• Practice and model empathy for your child.
• Encourage the relationship with the other parent by pointing out parenting strengths and the value of spending time together.
• Provide information about special events or activities to the other parent prior to visits through whatever communication process has been established.
• Always act civilly and respectfully towards the other parent when the children are present.
• Keep transition times short. It is during those times that the greatest chance for an argument exists.
• Stick to the rules and the order but be open to flexibility when appropriate.
• Make time for one-on-one moments with each child.
• Let your children know that you will be busy and happy while they’re with the other parent and that you expect they will be also. You don’t want them to worry about you because you may be lonely or sad while they are gone.
• Take new relationships very slowly and get advice on how to introduce new people into the children’s lives. Let the other parent know when a new partner is going to be introduced.
• Try to establish a degree of consistency between the two homes, while respecting the right of the other parent to parent in the way they feel is best.