Divorce is a challenging time for families, particularly when children are in the mix, and families are being required to adjust to a “new normal” that doesn’t feel comfortable or familiar to all of those involved. As parents struggle with the overall emotional stress that comes with a divorce or custody proceedings, multiple court appearances, introduction of new significant others, and lifestyle adjustments, it is easy to see that effective communication will often fall by the wayside. Typically, the fallout from poor communication and unresolved conflict and resentments between parents will leave children feeling pulled in multiple directions and having to show different sides of themselves, or even inference of parental alliances, based upon the parent they are with on any given day. This added pressure often leads to an increase in anxiety, depression and acting out by children caught in these scenarios. Many families continue in this posture long-term and there is never any positive or meaningful modification to the poor communication dynamic, and everyone suffers.
At this juncture of ongoing, high conflict interactions between parents is the point where the insertion of coparenting counseling can effectively commence with parents at least being willing to “try” this form of parenting strategy implementation and conflict reduction counseling and can often save the day by providing insight and understanding of each parent’s role and feelings, and the promise of ongoing communication improvements between parents. Coparenting Counseling opens a path to finding a constructive way for separated parents to collaborate and prioritize their children’s well-being over past hurts or resentments. Whether during the divorce process or long after legal matters are settled, Coparenting Counseling helps parents build healthier personal interactions, which should then translate to their interactions between one another in front of their child(ren), thereby setting a positive foundation for their children’s development and emotional stability and confidence in the two adults they look to for support and reassurance. In this article, we will explore how coparenting counseling serves as a valuable resource to parents and can be used to compliment Parenting Coordination (PC) or to take over when PC is simply not enough.
Co-Parenting Counseling is a form of counseling focused on helping separated or divorced parents collaborate in raising their children and is most effective when implemented in high conflict relationships where typical Parenting Coordination skills training will not be sufficient. Co-Parenting Counseling addresses communication breakdowns, ongoing or deeply entrenched conflicts, and differing parenting styles.
High conflict between parents after divorce can negatively affect children's emotional well-being and how they view their safety and place in the world. If children do not feel confident in the ability of their parents to communicate effectively and with respect, then they will often resort to taking over the role of “messenger” to reduce opportunities for their parents to interact and to avoid conflict. This can have the effect of placing the child in a parenting role and adding guilt to a child or children who are unable to openly share their thoughts and feelings in their efforts to manage adult conflict. Children only feel comfortable sharing what they know each parent will find acceptable and this serves to enhance anxiety and to decrease feelings of confidence in children.
High Conflict Co-Parenting, which is just like it sounds: drama-filled, anxiety-riddled and toxic for the parents and the children stuck in the middle. Almost no effective communication is in place and even parenting apps, like Our Family Wizard or AppClose, in place to aide communication are either little used or utilized inappropriately to express negative thoughts about the other parent. Attorneys or family members serve as go-betweens for all information and communication between parents is at a virtual standstill.
Parallel Co-Parenting tends to be more of a business-like interaction between parents and these parents seldom, if ever, interact, and they lead very separate lives from the other parent, only communicating when necessary to plan holidays or make some significant modification to the parenting schedule or decision-making process for the children.
Cooperative & Collaborative Co-Parenting tends to be the apex of co-parenting and takes significant work and maturity by both parties. Parents must learn to maintain strong respect for the other parent and constantly work at bettering their communication skills. Children learn by example in this Co-Parenting dynamic and thrive in the skills they learn to problem solve, cooperate and respect one another when they see this immolated by their parents.
Regardless of how steady and confident a parent believes themselves to be, often a parent’s wisdom flies out the window when there is underlying anger or resentment left unaddressed after the family has been dissolved from being one functioning unit. Parents face multiple factors that impede their ability to Co-Parent, and some are the following
Separating the Partner from the Co-parent. Co-Parenting Counselors provide a safe space for co-parents to address unexpressed thoughts and feelings from their unsuccessful relationship which may be preventing them from being able to respect their former partner as a parent and help co-parents to realign their opinion of each other to allow them to see each other solely as co-parents. Parents learn to value their co-parent by establishing a new relationship based upon an understanding that each brings positive aspects to the co-parenting relationship.
Improving Communication. Working with a Co-Parenting Counselor allows parents to express themselves and verbalize thoughts in a manner that is productive and not agitated or passive aggressive. Parents work on learning a respectful way to express deep emotions and learn skills to avoid the need to make every communication confrontational. Parents learn coping skills to ensure their communication is consistent and polite. This will help in reducing conflicts by opening positive lines of communication, as they are able to establish clear boundaries and expectations.
Managing Conflict. Co-Parenting Counselors assist parents in learning strategies to avoid argument or to back out of them when they occur. Parents are taught to address past issues and then learn to leave them in the past and not to drag them out with every current argument. These approaches will allow parents to make co-parenting decisions based upon the children’s present needs and not from a place of resentment or anger from past actions.
Maintaining Consistency for Children. Regular check-ins as needed with a Co-Parenting Counselor can help to ensure that children experience stability despite living in two households and the goal is to establish healthy and consistent routines in both households.
Handling New Challenges. Co-Parenting Counseling can help prepare each parent for future issues, like introducing new partners or changes in schedules, etc. by changing the mindset of the co-parents. Co-parenting Counseling is intended to provide guidance to parents for dealing with daily parenting stress, avoiding emotional triggers, and maintaining respect for the other parent. If these changes continue to stay in place and improve, the overall effect is that children will thrive when their parents are thriving.
Structure of Sessions. Typically, sessions will involve both parents, although individual sessions may be offered when completing initial assessments or when an individual session will benefit the established co-parents’ therapeutic goals. The Co-Parenting Counselor will focus on moving the co-parents from the need to express personal grievances about the other parent and guide them towards learning how to express practical child-focused needs to ensure that the co-parents stay within the parties’ relationship as parents.
Therapeutic Techniques. The Co-Parenting Counselor will employ various therapeutic approaches to develop empathy, mindfulness and emotional regulation strategies and/or goal setting, which may include problem-solving or role-playing exercises. The idea is to move the parents past the grievances that are holding them back from parenting effectively and with respect.
How Do You End Up with A Co-Parenting Counselor. Sometimes the Judge in your case will make the referral or the attorneys will be asked to agree upon a professional. If you are seeking this help independently, look for a professional with experience in Co-Parenting Counseling and Parenting Coordination. You can seek referrals from friends and family members, mediators or other parents who have gone through the process successfully. Consider finding a Co-Parenting Counselor who does both in-person and virtual sessions to provide for the most options when schedules may occasionally be limited.
In Conclusion: Co-Parenting Counseling promotes collaboration and reduces conflict, both of which benefit parents and children. Co-Parenting Counseling should be viewed as an investment in the overall health of your family and can serve as the catalyst for changing long engrained and harmful parenting traits by providing for change in generational parenting for children who have the benefit of seeing their parents engage in the process successfully.
