Two primary tenets of Hinduism, karma and dharma, have also informed my life and my work as a neutral. Karma is the concept that every action has a reaction: good deeds beget positive consequences. Dharma is the principle of responsibility. We all must fulfill our respective duty, which includes one’s roles as a parent, spouse, student, and member of society. The notion of what is “right” has generally been determined collectively in my life, not individually, as I am always conscious of the impact of my actions on others. I continue to weigh the appropriateness of my behavior and actions in terms of their alignment with Hindu values, and I am always mindful of my responsibilities in whatever role I hold, such as mother, wife, daughter, mediator, teacher, administrator, etc.
My fear of disappointing my parents far outweighed my personal interest in fitting in. My childhood experiences stimulated an interest in family dynamics and motivated me to be more open-minded with my two children as they were growing up. It has also made me an empathetic sounding board for a number of Indian youth who are unable to speak with their own parents, and helped me in my work as a mediator in international organizations with parties who experience challenges related to assimilation and cultural stereotypes.
The tension between my traditional upbringing and parents’ expectations, and my own self-determination came to a head when I was considering colleges and a career path. I was not permitted to leave home for college as I was only 16 when I graduated high school (I skipped second grade). My parents insisted that it would not be appropriate for a girl to be autonomous at such a young age. I attended UNC Charlotte while living at home. I was so upset at being unable to pursue my dreams of attending a more reputable college, I negotiated a promise from my parents that I could leave home for graduate school. Eager to gain my independence, I completed my undergraduate degree in three years.
Most Indians are drawn to the STEM field, as we are taught from a young age that it leads to jobs that provide a secure and prosperous life. I, however, was never interested in math and science. I loved English and History, actively competing in debate and original oratory throughout high school and college. I served as the Chair of the Student Government Legislature in college and often dreamed of becoming the Prime Minister of India. Over the course of several visits to India during my teenage years, I became convinced that my purpose in life was to bring about social change. The first time in my life that I felt I belonged somewhere was when I visited India at age 9 and was overjoyed that everyone looked just like me! During each visit to India, my heart would swell with sadness at the sight of the rampant poverty, and anger at the politicians who took bribes and precious funds from projects to build schools, roads, and hospitals. My sense of purpose to right all of India’s wrongs grew stronger as I matured. I read the autobiography of the father of India, Mahatma Gandhi, and was struck by his commitment to ahimsa and peaceful conflict resolution. Gandhiji inspired me to strive to become a lawyer and an agent of change.
Law School
I shared my desire to go into the legal profession with my parents as I approached my final year of college. They were surprised and disappointed in my lack of interest in medicine, engineering, or computer science, but eventually supported my decision to go to law school. Challenging my parents was not easy, but at this point in my life I was older and felt that I needed to have voice in the decision that would affect the rest of my future, even if it made them unhappy. I attended UNC-Chapel Hill Law School. As the first person to enter the legal profession in my family, I had no mentor or role model. I honestly did not know where to turn for advice and did not want to appear ignorant next to my classmates. I felt extremely disadvantaged compared to peers who had parents or family members who practiced law. I was also young, 19, and recall feeling tremendous anxiety as I adjusted to living away from home for the first time, while competing with students who appeared more confident and had far more life experience.
I felt this lack of guidance most strongly when I started my job search for a summer internship. Like most of my classmates, I envisioned getting an offer from a law firm, but despite my good grades and best-efforts during interviews, I was never offered a position. I began to second-guess my decision to pursue a legal career, and as the only Indian woman in my law school, worried whether my ethnicity played a role in my marketability. Eventually, I decided to broaden my options and applied for and received an IOLTA (Interest on Lawyer Trust Accounts) scholarship that provided a small stipend to work with a non-profit organization.
Among the options I explored was the Private Adjudication Center, a non-profit dispute resolution organization affiliated with Duke University School of Law. I had never heard of what was then known as alternative dispute resolution or ADR, but it sounded interesting. Rene Ellis, the PAC Director, selected me as the center’s summer intern. I attribute my good fortune of entering the field of dispute resolution to this first job and will be forever grateful to Rene and the PAC for opening this door.
Reflections on Mediation Tenets
The basic tenets of mediation such as neutrality, self-determination, procedural fairness, and confidentiality generally continue to hold true for me even after several years of practice, but I also appreciate to a much greater extent now the art of mediation.
Like most mediators, I was taught to leave my opinions and beliefs at the door when I start a mediation. Having served as a mediator for 30 years, though, I know that it is impossible to be completely neutral and unbiased. I feel the greatest tension between my values and my role as a mediator when I observe what I can only describe as injustice, a tension I have experienced in cases where one party appears to take advantage of another or the agreement seems inequitable. When I feel this tension, I must remind myself that it is not my conflict, and I shouldn’t judge whether a resolution is fair. So long as the parties are competent, have access to counsel, are exercising self-determination, and are making an informed decision, I cannot allow myself to be drawn into questioning the appropriateness of an agreement.
One of the greatest weaknesses I have as a mediator is that I carry my cases and clients home with me in my thoughts. I have difficulty disconnecting and worry about the impact of the conflict on the well-being of my clients and, if the case is an employment one, on the organization. I revisit the mediation discussions in my mind and examine my approach, considering whether different questions or strategies might have led to a better outcome. I describe myself as not impartial, but multi-partial, caring for a fair process and positive outcome for all.
I have learned to honor my intuition as a mediator and try to mediate from my heart. When I demonstrate vulnerability in mediation at times by sharing my personal challenges, my clients begin to feel comfortable with uncertainty and risk taking. Training in conflict coaching has taught me to replace fear of the unknown with curiosity. I have learned to be more self-aware, try to lean into discomfort with silence to allow for reflection, actively consider the parties’ feelings, and observe what is influencing them. I question why I am using a particular approach and understand that I must be genuine to be effective. Through deep listening and removing mental distractions of other matters, I ask myself what is really happening in the conflict. I listen to the text with my rational mind and listen to subtext with my heart. I listen for unspoken assumptions and dilemmas and try to be authentic in naming what is going on. I worry less about looking and speaking like an expert mediator and focus more on being in the moment with the parties.
My conflict coaching training and ombuds training have complemented my mediation skills training to make me a more holistic mediator. I treat every case as a new challenge and opportunity, even when the issues and the subject matter are similar to previous cases. If my energy level and care for the clients ever decline, I know that it will be time for me to stop mediating.
Conclusion
I became a lawyer because I wanted to make a difference in people’s lives, and I love the human connection that dispute resolution provides. I can have my finger on the pulse of the parties’ emotions and on the negotiation process. I often can sense how close (or how far) from a resolution we are. The personal satisfaction that I achieve every day through this work is knowing that I have helped reduce clients' stress and anxieties by assisting in addressing their concerns in a constructive manner, and my reward is seeing the clients happier and more hopeful about the future. When people who begin the dispute resolution process feeling angry, scared, frustrated, or distrustful walk away from the mediation table talking, laughing, and feeling more positive, my heart sings.
My favorite observations include the shift in parties’ body language - from turning away from each other to facing each other directly, and from speaking only to me to speaking directly with one another. The lightbulb and “aha” moments that mediation often stimulates, as well as the genuine apologies that are shared, are priceless. Through my mediation and facilitation work, I have seen individuals and teams transformed. This is important to me because I am at heart a peacemaker. I want people to be happy at work or in their marriage, and to thrive.
As I reflect on my professional journey, I recognize that while nothing I did was exactly planned, everything I did has been connected to my goal of serving others. I feel truly fortunate to have held key positions in amazing organizations, and each role has built on the others. I have experienced dispute resolution from almost all angles – as an administrator, a mediator, a professor, a consultant, an ombudsperson, a coach, an internal provider, and an external provider at the state, federal and international level. They say if you love what you do, you will never work a day in your life. Every morning I’m eager to see what challenges and opportunities the day will bring, and I look forward to continuing to learn, grow, and contribute in the years to come.
