At the end of my stream of contrition, one of the team members simply said, “In other words, you’re human.”
I can’t think of any greater kindness in that moment. It changed how I remember the experience–with less shame and a big lesson. That act of kindness gave me a powerful understanding of how my actions affect others. And, of course, another great adventure story.
That adventure in kindness was also a catalyst for devising a powerful method that mediators and attorneys can apply in any negotiation.
Kindness as a Business Skill
Small acts of kindness have an enormous impact in ways we do not typically associate with commercial dispute resolution.
Noticing and practicing these skills are necessary for business people, lawyers (and anyone really) who are expected to cultivate relationships to generate revenue, demonstrate successful teamwork, and “win” the case or negotiation. Fundamentally, in all contexts, we are on an eternal quest to determine how we can engage meaningfully and successfully with other people.
No problem, global, local, or individual, can be resolved by a specific strategy or policy. Resolutions are gradual and deeply personal, on a one-to-one and day-by-day journey.
And I contend that this journey can be enhanced by kindness. So do countless scientists, psychologists, human resources professionals, business advisers, and educators, among so many more.
The practice of kindness is not a “soft skill.” These days, computers can do what we once thought only intellectually elite humans could do. The latest astonishing feats of artificial intelligence include ChatGPT, which excels at information gathering, organization, and presentation. But only humans can create human connections. And business is all about relationships, right?
What is Kindness?
Kindness is intended to benefit another, without expecting anything in return.
People value kindness, both in receiving it and giving it. Even though working people may use this skill to enhance relationships to their own benefit, the benefit of prioritizing the other person is a “bonus” outcome.
Interestingly, the more we study the practical effects of kindness, the more it appears that people have belittled its importance in business, politics, and most relationships.
What’s the Problem?
In our interactions with others, we have become too quick to infer, or assume, or even look for–malevolent intent, others’ self-centeredness, or others’ disrespect.
For 23 years, the Edelman Trust Barometer has presented an international global survey of more than 32,000 participants in 28 countries. It reports societal indicators of trust among business, media, government, and nongovernmental organizations. See www.edelman.com/careers/our-values (noting the mission: “To provide strategic communications counseling and programming which enable our clients to build strong relationships across stakeholders, influence attitudes, inform audiences and shape behaviors with the potential to have a positive impact in our society.”)
The 2022 report concluded that distrust is the new default. In 2022, more than half (51%) of respondents in the countries studied did not believe their families would be better off in five years. Kirsty Graham, “Defaulting Back to Trust,” Edelman (Jan. 18, 2022) (available at https://bit.ly/42njbHX).
In 2023, that measure of economic optimism plummeted to 40%! Richard Edelman, “Navigating a Polarized World,” Edelman (Jan. 15, 2023) (available at https://bit.ly/3HYZYEw). And nearly two-thirds of those surveyed around the world “observe an unprecedented lack of civility and mutual respect in society.” The Trust 10, Edelman Trust Barometer 2022 (available at https://bit.ly/3LSkM1E); see also Richard Edelman, “Navigating a Polarized World,” above.
Lawyers and dispute resolution professionals can help.
Where Kindness Helps
Giving, Receiving, or Even Just Observing Kindness Is Good for You. Science has demonstrated that kindness improves your health and wellbeing. Whether we are the giver or the receiver, or if we just see or hear of other people doing kind things, we are more motivated to be kind ourselves. This is the contagious nature of kindness.
Kindness actually:
- increases the production of Oxytocin, often referred to as the “love hormone,” which improves strength, energy, calmness, blood pressure, self-esteem, and optimism;
- stimulates the production of serotonin, a natural anti-depressant, and
- produces endorphins, a natural painkiller.
“The art of kindness,” Mayo Clinic Health System (May 29, 2020) (available at https://bit.ly/3LVYSdX).
Pleasure and reward are even greater when you have an idealistic attitude and expect others to be kind. Adam M. Sparks, Daniel M.T. Fessler, Colin Holbrook, “Elevation, an emotion for prosocial contagion, is experienced more strongly by those with greater expectations of the cooperativeness of others,” PLoS ONE 14(12): e0226071 (2019) (available at https://bit.ly/3NYtYnz). It is especially challenging to do this during the current “period of huge systemic change in a multi-polar world, with divisive forces fanning economic grievance.” Richard Edelman, “Navigating a Polarized World,” above.
In 2021, a team at the University of Sussex in England conducted a survey of more than 60,000 participants in 144 countries, simply called “The Kindness Study.” Researchers concluded, among other things, that kind acts are common; in fact, two-thirds of responders said the pandemic made us kinder. It is noteworthy that the top reason that responders do not do something kind is that they are afraid their kind act would be misinterpreted. Claudia Hammond, “Ten things we learned from the world’s largest study of kindness,” BBC Radio 4 (undated) (available at https://bbc.in/42C4sZK).
Small Acts of Kindness Pack More of a Positive Punch than You Think. In an August 2022 study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology, researchers concluded that those who perform acts of kindness systematically underestimate their positive impact on recipients.
Recipients’ positive reactions are boosted by the warmth conveyed by a kind act. Givers, however, are relatively insensitive or unaware of the warmth conveyed by their kind acts. The researchers “suggest that givers’ miscalibrated expectations matter because they can create a barrier to engaging in prosocial actions more often in everyday life. …” Amit Kumar & Nicholas Epley, “A little good goes an unexpectedly long way: Underestimating the positive impact of kindness on recipients,” 152(1) J. Experimental Psych.: General 236 (2023) (available at https://bit.ly/3nQgFel).
Underestimating the positive impacts of small gestures can act as barriers to making human connections, and thereby inhibit wider positive social, political, and religious interactions. In dispute resolution, or even dispute prevention, seemingly small gestures can open eyes, ears, and minds.
We Are More Attractive and Approachable When We Are Kind. Kindness allows–or forces–us to remove a mask of invincibility, eminence, and superior expertise to reveal more of our souls and demonstrate vulnerability. The image we like to project is elevated and dignified, not to mention powerful.
But we all have fears, and we all feel weakness, uncertainty, and, at times, “less than” others. Showing that we are vulnerable is extremely endearing and relatable. In mediation, every single participant wants the mediator to understand what they are going through.
Kindness is not weakness, and it is not niceness. It is bold and risky business.
In his book, Love Kindness, Barry Corey describes a life of kindness as “a life with a firm center and soft edges.” Barry Corey, Love Kindness, p. xvi (2016). This is a valuable image that demonstrates that we can stay true to our core convictions (remain strong advocates), but at the same time be more open and more accepting of others, including those who disagree with us on core values and fundamental issues.
Having a “firm center with soft edges” reveals our strength in accepting that they are there and our ability to figure out how to communicate without denigration.
Adding Kindness
Learn and Practice Humility. Everyone is wrong about something. We just usually do not know what it is that we are wrong about. Maybe a little humility is in order. Researchers are increasingly finding that “intellectual humility” leads people to be more curious, to be more liked as leaders, and to make more thorough and informed decisions. Tenelle Porter, Abdo Elnakouri, Ethan A. Meyers, Takuya Shibayama, Eranda Jayawickreme & Igor Grossmann, “Predictors and consequences of intellectual humility,” 1 Nature Reviews Psychology 524 (June 27, 2022) (available https://bit.ly/3nVzWLm).
Replace Judgment with Curiosity. Most people have to concede that as individuals, we do not and cannot know everything, not even enough to justify all of our opinions and beliefs. Curiosity requires us to accept the discomfort of uncertainty as well as the fact that we rely on others for information and to form our opinions.
Suspending judgment and asking questions takes courage. An inquiring person is more likely to discover commonalities with others than a person who fears asking questions or may otherwise feel insecure engaging with others they do not already know. As with most strength-building, we need to consistently practice “exercising our curiosity muscle.”
How to Develop Humility and Curiosity. There are endless how-to’s for developing humility and exercising your curiosity muscle. Here is a short list:
- Cultivate awareness of those around you. Consider the impact of small acts you may think are inconsequential.
- Realize everyone has secrets, burdens, fears, and insecurities, not just you. We all have problems, big ones. Even the worst among us.
- Work on developing optimism, idealism, and an expectation that others will be kind. Remember that kindness is contagious and triggers physical reactions that encourage optimism.
- Keep in mind that the energy we use in clashing with others is usually self-destructive. Personally, I’d rather conserve my ever-dwindling energy than waste it on a fight.
I once mediated a case with a self-represented attorney-defendant. He wanted me to know how experienced he was as a tough mediation advocate, and crowed about appearing before a well-known leading mediator (who happened to be one of my mentors and professional sponsors). Searching for the right word to describe that influential mediator, the attorney finally found a single word to describe his power: “He is so … kind.”
Kindness in a commercial dispute demonstrates that mediators, counsel, and parties can collaborate, give someone the benefit of the doubt, and help find a solution despite concurrently engaging in an adversarial context. This “prosocial” conduct typically leads to a very rewarding dispute resolution experience.
Beware of the Risks of Being Kind. One reason kindness requires courage is that it is not a utopian, fail-safe technique to fix the world, or even a single relationship or dispute. Our attempts to be kind will be misinterpreted and rejected at times.
Do not worry. True kindness does not expect a thank you or an acknowledgment or recognition. It’s not about you, especially if you realize that we are all part of the problem.
Conclusion
If we can avoid our rush to judgment, have the courage to say I don’t know or I don’t understand, and ask questions, we can radically change our ability to engage meaningfully and successfully with other people, one at a time.
Treat every interaction with an adversary or antagonist as an exploring adventure. Be conscious of the big lesson from my Search and Rescue debacle: Almost everything we do affects others in some way.
Summoning the courage to be kind takes intention. It is just like any other business skill that is taught in school, observed in “successful,” highly revered professionals, and targeted to help all of us to meet our goals.
Whether it is considered a skill or a quality, people can “learn” kindness. Because kindness is intended to benefit others without expecting anything in return, the unexpected benefits to the actor compel a conclusion that kindness provides added value in any business or personal negotiation.
